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| Advice from Love & Logic |
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If I were king, I'd insist that we take a new look at the role of homework for elementary-aged children.
There are many different ways to learn. Pencil and paper activities are good ways to learn, but only one of many different ways.
If I were king, paper and pencil worksheets would cease at the end of the school day for kids in elementary school. Other forms of learning would take over, except in cases where a child does them on a voluntary basis.
As king, I would encourage parents to ask teachers for ideas about how kids can learn in different fun ways with their parents. I bet the teachers would suggest all kinds of learning activities that support the work done at school. Homework might include activities such as:
Reading to each other.
Games that require math skills.
Exploring the neighborhood for examples of nature and science.
Card games and board games.
Electronic games.
Researching on the Internet.
Measuring and weighing while cooking.
Finding the best bargain in the grocery store.
Spelling games.
Calculating gas mileage, win/loss averages for favorite sports, time and distance, etc.
This list could go on and on.
All of you have favorite learning games and activities. I invite you to share these ideas. We will compile a list to distribute at a later date. Email your contributions to maggiey@loveandlogic.com.
Why do I ask for you to contribute to this list? Research, including Dr. Harris Cooper's study of 700 young students, indicates that the more written assignments students did, the more negative their attitudes became about school.
Let's put the joy back into learning.
Thanks for reading,
Jim Fay
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| Step-Parenting: Should I Discipline the Kids or Not? |
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To get a handle on what successful step-parents do, it's helpful to first get a glimpse at what less successful ones try. I call the first well-intentioned yet doomed approach the "Wrecking Ball" step-parenting style. These folks take on the role of demolition expert in the family. They storm in with a crash, trying to rebuild every aspect of the kids' behavior. Like drill sergeants, their favorite tools include lectures, threats, lots of new rules and plenty of micro-managing.
I call the second well-intentioned yet ineffective approach the "Refugee" style. Because they don't want to step on any toes, these folks never really live in the home. Instead, they set up camp in the backyard. Peeking out of their tent screen, they watch the kids throw their daily refuse onto the lawn in front of them. Because they don't want to insult the kids by trying to replace their "real" parent, these step-parents use no tools. They simply walk on eggshells, adopting an outsider, doormat role.
Successful step-parents obsessively follow the first rule of Love and Logic:
Take great care of yourself by setting limits without anger, lectures, threats, or repeated warnings.
Instead of trying to reconstruct through strict discipline…or walk on eggshells by remaining an outsider, they use Enforceable Statements to assertively describe how they will operate. Examples include:
I'll listen when your voice is calm.
I'll be happy to do the extra things I do for you when I feel respected.
I'll get that for you when I see that you've finished your chores.
I argue at six o'clock on Saturday mornings.
I'll let you know about that after I talk with your dad (or mom).
I'm fine with you having that as long as you have the money to pay for it.
For more ideas on setting limits with Enforceable Statements, study our CD, Love Me Enough to Set Some Limits.
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| When Kids Constantly Interrupt |
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Have you ever tried to talk with another adult who constantly interrupted the conversation with completely unrelated, irrelevant details? Just the other day, I tried to visit with a friend. Every three to five seconds, he'd blurt, "Stop that!" or "Hold on" or "Just wait!" or "What did I say about that?" or "Doggone it!"
Of course, he wasn't saying these things to me. They were directed at his kids.
To be fair to my buddy, it's an easy bad habit to fall into. Breaking it requires that we first make a pact that we won't say a single word to the kids when they begin to interrupt. Nope. Not a single word…or a glance their way.
Of course, their interrupting will get much worse in the short term! When this happens with small children, we can buckle them into the stroller or high chair…or we can gently put them in their playpen or room. All of this is done with no words or excess attention given to the tots.
With older children, we often have to grit our teeth and manage to get through the conversation as best we can…despite all of the whining going on around us. When we're finally done, we can say to them, "This is so sad. You guys really drained our energy by how you behaved when your mom and I were talking. How are you planning to replace that energy?"
In our CD, Love and Logic Magic: When Kids Drain Your Energy, we teach that kids can replace this energy by doing extra chores, paying for a babysitter so that you can have a peaceful dinner away from them, staying home instead of being driven somewhere, etc.
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| WHEN DISCIPLINE BACKFIRES |
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Maya approached me about the problem she was having with her daughter. "Jim, you told us to lock in empathy before telling kids the consequence. I have to tell you that it doesn’t work. I do it and my daughter just goes off on me."
"Oh, that's not good," I responded. "Demonstrate to me how you did it and maybe I can help."
"Well, she missed her curfew. So when she came in I said, 'I'm so sorry you missed your curfew. I warned you about it, but you did it anyway. Now you're grounded. I'm sick and tired of you thinking that you can do any old thing you want to do. We've got rules and you are going to follow them.'"
Maya's incident reminds us of the two ways we can cause Love and Logic to backfire on us. The first is to use anger. The second is to use too many words. Maya did both of these.
In this case, Maya's first mistake was saying, "I'm so sorry." Talking about how we feel is not empathy. Empathy refers to the other person or the situation. It would have been better had she said, "This is so sad. I'm going to have to do something about this, but not now. I need to think it over first."
Had she said that, and then spent some time cooling down, she would have probably recognized that her added threat and lecture would make things worse.
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| WHEN TO HELP WITH HOMEWORK |
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Alex and Jason come home with the same math homework.
Alex complains to his mom, "It's just not fair. Mr. Jenson gives us too much homework. I don't know how to do this. He never explains anything. You need to help me. It's going to take too long!"
"How did he explain this homework?" asks mom.
"I don't remember. You need to help me," says Alex.
Mom opens the book and points out the answers. She gets the task over quickly and then lectures, "You'd better start paying attention in class!"
Jason makes the same complaint to his mom.
"How did your teacher explain this homework?" asks mom.
"I don't remember. You need to help me," says Jason.
"How sad," answers Mom. "I'll be happy to help when you work harder on your schoolwork than me, and I know that you are listening in class." With that, she tells Jason to open his book and try to remember how the teacher told him to do the work. "You can watch your program when it's finished," she tells Jason.
Which mom did the best job of parenting?
Which kid is more likely to start listening better in class?
I bet you know the answer.
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| Children with Learning Disabilities: What Can Parents Do? |
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Growing up with significant learning difficulties, I can personally attest to the grief these challenges can create for both parents and their kids. Possibly the biggest difficulty involves helping your child avoid getting so discouraged that they give up on academics…and their relationship with you.
Fortunately, my parents…
Focused heavily on my strengths, allowing me to see that I could be successful at something. For me, these were mechanical sorts of things and baseball.
Stopped spending every evening trying to lecture, threaten, or bribe academic information into my unwilling head.
Replaced this fighting time with loving time, where they showed that they valued me even though I wasn't good in school.
Kept saying, "When things get hard, recharge your batteries by doing something that you love. Then give it another try."
In our "Schoolwork and Homework Package," we elaborate on each of these strategies, as well as many more. The most important theme involves helping your child learn to feel so good about their strengths that they'll have the energy and courage to keep working on their weaknesses.
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
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| Getting Kids to Talk About Their Day |
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Conversation between a parent and child:
"Hi, Jamie. How was your day?"
"Okay."
"How was school?"
"Fine."
"What did you do today at school?"
"Nothing."
"Well, you must have done something."
"Just regular stuff."
"How was your lunch?"
"I don't know. Okay, I guess."
Does this sound familiar? Would you like your kids to be just a little more talkative?
Experiment with this:
Dr. Charles Fay calls this the "30 Minute Rule." It's based upon the fact that kids watch our every move, copying us in their subconscious drive to learn how to be big.
For the next 2 months, avoid the temptations to ask questions of your kids during the first 30 minutes after they come home. Instead, talk with excitement or enthusiasm about your own day instead.
Examples:
"It's good to see you. Guess what I got to do today… And not only that, I learned…and I heard…and I couldn't wait to tell you about it. I hope you had a great day."
One of these days you'll get a surprise; it will sound like, "But Mom. I've got to tell you what happened today."
By the way, this works great with spouses.
Thanks for reading,
Jim Fay
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OUCH! One mother wrote us about how her two-year-old had mastered the sneak attack. Just when all seemed well, he'd chomp down on the nearest piece of flesh and bear down like a bulldog. Her initial response could not be categorized as "Love and Logic," particularly when it was her own skin he was munching. His eyes lit up like Christmas morning every time she screamed, "Stop it! Cut it out! Don't bite!"
After studying our Early Childhood Package she and her husband decided to run an experiment: Every time he bit them, they'd do their best to calmly sing, "Uh oh" and gently buckle him into his high chair or stroller.
In the process of planning their little experiment, they decided to make sure that…
He would be completely safe
They would do their best to be empathetic instead of angry
They didn't reinforce the behavior by trying to talk to him while he was incarcerated
They didn't let him out before he was calm
Of course, he wasn't impressed with this approach. He cried, screamed, begged and even tried to bite them from a distance. As soon as he calmed down, they'd give him a kiss on the cheek and let him out.
Mom was proud to report that the little guy was starting to curb his cannibalistic cravings. Staying calm and providing a meaningful consequence really seemed to be the key!
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
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I wonder what it would be like if all kids believed it was their job to get their teachers to like them. And all teachers believed it was their job to get kids to like them.
Do everything you can to elevate your child’s teacher in his/her eyes. This is an investment you can't afford to pass up.
I know too many kids who go to school believing, "I'll be lucky if I learn anything in this lousy school." These are the kids who frequently hear critical remarks about education, the school, and the teacher. Unfortunately, kids take on the beliefs of their parents.
Don't voice these concerns in front of your kids. Deal directly with the school or with the teacher. You'll be glad you did.
Thanks for reading,
Jim Fay
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| Peer Pressure: What Can Parents Do? |
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Listed below are some tips on how to up the odds that your kids will make wise decisions even when their buddies are not:
* Let them see you saying "No" to your friends…and to societal pressures.
When kids see us resisting peer pressure…and resisting the urge to keep up with the Joneses next door…they are more likely to do the same.
* Spend time building and maintaining a loving relationship.
Relationships take plenty of time. The more we invest, the more likely our kids will emulate our values when we're not around.
* Help them focus on how their decisions affect them…not you.
It's tempting to say, "This really makes me mad!" when our kids make poor decisions. A more effective strategy involves empathizing, "This is so sad. I bet it hurts having to deal with these consequences. I love you."
* Send positive expectations.
Saying, "Your friends are lucky to have someone like you with a good head on their shoulders," sends a far more positive expectation than lecturing, "That kid is bad news. Don't hang around with him."
* Keep a close eye on them.
While we can dramatically up the odds that our kids will make good decisions when pressured by their peers to make bad ones, there's no substitute for doing our best to know where they are and what they’ll be doing there.
In my new book, Parenting Kids To Become the People Employers Really Want and…America Desperately Needs! I devote an entire chapter to strategies for raising kids who know how to police their own behavior. I call this chapter, "My Manager Follows Me Everywhere!" Kids who are given the gift of this "mobile manager" experience far fewer problems with peers and far more success in life.
Thanks for reading,
Dr. Charles Fay |
| Anger and Frustration Feed Misbehavior…Reminders Fuel Both |
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Some kids are like solar panels. Instead of collecting their energy from sunlight, they gather theirs from the heat radiating off of our red faces. When we get frustrated and angry, they think, "Wow! How exciting! Let's try that one again!"
I struggle with this, too! Without thought, I start giving too many little reminders or warnings. Instead of simply enforcing limits when I'm still calm and collected, I let my lips flap until I'm nice and hot.
Bad idea!
When I remember to follow through without too many words, my kids behave better and so do I. For example, in our home we don't allow food outside of the kitchen or dining area. Since our two-year-old already knows this, there's no need for me to tell him again. When he breaks the rule, all I need to do is say, "Oh, how sad," and take the snack away. End of story.
When our 15-year-old doesn't do his chores, there's no need for discourse. All that's required is action. I can do his chores for him…AND let him find out that I drive kids where they want to go when I'm not worn out from doing their chores.
In our new CD, "Keeping Cool When Parenting Heats Up," you'll hear more ideas for parenting in a way that makes you proud.
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay |
| Save Most of Your Words for Happy Times |
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What's the best way to make an otherwise effective technique backfire? It’s simple: Talk too much.
In the store, I recently witnessed an unusually upset toddler whining to his mother about how "mean" she was and how badly he "needed" the toy she was telling him to put back on the shelf. This well-meaning mother quickly jumped into "psychotherapy mode" by listing all of the reasons why her three year old didn't need the toy, how it might put his eye out, how he might get one next year, why he shouldn't be so upset, how sorry she was that he couldn't have it, that money doesn't grow on trees, etc.
There they were…both of them…on their knees.
While well meaning, this mother was actually feeding the fire by talking way too much! There exists a basic rule about doing discipline with kids of all ages:
The more words we use when our kids are acting up, the LESS effective we become.
Save most of your words for happy times. Learn more about this technique in my book Love and Logic Magic When Kids Leave You Speechless, coauthored by my dad, Jim Fay.
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
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Helping unmotivated kids is one of the most complex challenges we face as educators and parents. Therefore, giving a quick and easy solution in less than 300 words would be impossible…and downright irresponsible.
In approximately 99% of cases, the child's lack of motivation results from far more than simple laziness or a conscious desire to act out. The roots of apathy go far deeper, into feelings of frustration, anger, hopelessness, lack of control, or loss. The majority of these feelings lay at the subconscious level, where they wreak havoc on a child's ability to engage in higher-level thinking tasks, such as sustained attention to detail, problem-solving, memory, perseverance, and self-control.
This is why punishing children for getting bad grades usually backfires. Since they are already feeling bad about life, how is making them feel worse about it going to get them motivated to succeed?
In our Schoolwork/Homework Package, we teach a variety of alternative strategies for getting at the roots of apathy…rather than making it worse with anger, lectures, threats and punishments. At the core of what we teach is the importance of loving kids for who they are…rather than who we want them to be. Yes! The healing process begins when we end the power struggle by saying, "We will love you no matter how well or poorly you do in school. Your grades are your grades…not ours. That's why we are no longer going to fight with you about them. Just let us know how we can help."
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Please tell me this doesn't happen in your family.
Following our recent blizzard, the service and product providers known as fathers were out trying to clear the walks and driveways. There was not a kid to be seen anywhere.
I commented to a neighbor that in the past, kids would be out with their shovels helping clear the snow. After that they would be off shoveling walks to earn money.
"Is that where your kids are?" I asked.
"No," he answered. "Kids today aren't that motivated."
He blames today's kids. Little does he know that parents are the ones who train kids to believe they are honored guests in the home, rather than contributing members of a family team.
Many tasks, like snow removal or yard work, are family jobs where kids can and should become part of the team. Kids should be helping in any way that is appropriate for their age. Even small kids can help prepare drinks or snacks to serve the ones who are doing the hard work. The last thing I want to see is a kid sleeping in or playing video games while their parents do these jobs alone.
Thanks for reading,
Jim Fay
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| Sharp Responses for the Perplexing |
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Are you ever confronted with the following? If so, experiment with these responses.
Child: "WHY DO I HAVE TO LEARN THIS? I'M NEVER GOING TO NEED IT."
Possible Adult Response #1.
"Every time your brain is learning something new it starts running faster so you can learn the things you want to learn easier. Thanks for asking."
Possible Adult Response #2.
"Learning things you don't want to learn grows the brain so that all other things are easier to learn. Thanks for asking."
Possible Adult Response #3.
"If you don't figure out why by the time you master this, ask me that question again."
Child: "IT'S TOO HARD, I CAN'T DO IT."
Possible Adult Response #1.
"Aren't you glad I don't believe that?"
Possible Adult Response #2.
"Wouldn't it be sad if I believed that?"
Possible Adult Response #3.
"Nice try. Let me know when you are finished."
One of the guiding concepts that has served as a pillar of the Love and Logic philosophy is, "I don't become what I think I can. I don't become what you think I can. I become what I think you think I can." |
| Looking Calm When We're Not |
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What's the biggest parenting challenge for you? If you're like many parents, it's keeping your cool when your kids are getting on your last nerve!
Why is it so important to at least look calm and collected as we provide consequences for our children's misbehavior? Because…
Anger creates resentment and rebellion.
Empathy ups the odds of genuine remorse and responsibility.
Anger says, "I can barely handle you!"
Empathy communicates, "I'm such a great parent that I can handle you without breaking a sweat!"
Anger creates kids who get sneaky and do irresponsible things behind our backs.
Empathy creates kids who are more likely to behave even when we aren't watching them.
This winter we developed a special CD, Keeping Cool When Parenting Heats Up. This audio contains plenty of practical strategies for staying calm in tough situations. One involves giving yourself permission to discipline your children without using reminders or repeated warnings.
When parents get into the unhealthy habit of nagging and repeating themselves, their anger builds inside. By the time they finally follow through, they're too angry to think straight! Wiser parents set limits and follow through quickly…without using too many words. Because problems are dealt with in their early stages, the parent remains calmer…and their kids learn that it's not okay to perform "water torture" by constantly repeating the same frustrating behaviors.
Because of great demand, we've made this product available for purchase as a downloadable audio. There's no need to wait for delivery, and there's no need to pay any shipping charges. Visit this page and follow the simple instructions to download.
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
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| Don't Let Your Baby "Cry It Out" |
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There's nothing more important during the first two years of a child's life than feeling the love and comfort of one's parents!
Some folks worry about "spoiling" their babies. They think, "If we hold her too much she'll be needy."
Others fret, "He'll never learn how to calm himself down if we comfort him too much when he cries."
Some even argue, "Well, he's just trying to get his way when he cries."
THESE ARE MYTHS!
It's impossible to spoil a baby by holding them too much, comforting them when they cry, or giving them too much attention.
This nurturing and love teaches us to nurture and love. As a result, we feel bad when we act badly. We have a strong conscience that guides our way.
What's our advice for parenting tots younger than two? Smile at them as much as possible, comfort them when they cry, hold them with loving arms, whisper sweet stuff in their ears, and let them see how much fun you're having.
As they begin to need more limits, you'll begin to see a child who loves you too much to rebel with much force.
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
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