NATIONAL ASSOCIATION 0F SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGISTS

Children and Reactions to Death*

BY Charles P. Heath
Door Valley Unified School District
Phoenix, Arizona

Background - Children must deal with the loss of significant others more often than most adults realize. Each loss results in the child going through the same process of grief resolution, though the length and intensity may vary. Loss is viewed as a cumulative process, in which, without complete resolution of a minor loss, subsequent less significant losses are likely to provoke similar stress. While exact figures are not known, it is estimated that five percent of the children in the United States (1.5 million) lose one or both parents by age 15.

Development - The child's level of cognitive development plays a primary role in the extent to which a child will understand the loss of a parent. Specific reactions as well as their duration are different for adults and children.

A child's need to ask the same questions about the death over and over is more of a need for reassurance that the story has not changed rather than a need for factual accuracy. Children also seek adult reactions so they can gauge their own reactions. Emotions may be expressed as angry outbursts or misbehaviors that are often not recognized as grief-related.

Developmental Phases In Understanding Death - These age references are not rigid but should be used as rough guides. Also, children may regress to an earlier stage when emotionally upset.

Infants & Toddlers: Prior to age 3 children are not able to achieve complete mourning. However, they do seem to explore the state of nonbeing by games such as peek-a-boo.

Three to Five: Children deny death as a formal event; death is seen as reversible. The dead are simply "less alive". The child seems to regard death mainly as a separation, a departure.

Four to Six. Children are prone to misinterpret superficial events as being intrinsically involved in death. For example, knowing someone who died in a hospital may make the child want to stay away from hospitals to avoid death. Prior to age seven, children use "magical thinking" where personal wishes, thoughts, and actions are believed to be the causes for what happens.

Five to Nine: This is the age when children begin to understand the finality of death. Death is seen as an accident rather than inevitable. One dies under certain circumstances and if those circumstances do not occur then one cannot die. Death is also seen as something that will happen to others, not to ourselves. Finally, for this age there is a tendency to view death as a person. The death-man is usually regarded as a creature of the night.

Ten to Twelve: Children have the mental development and emotional security to express an understanding of death as a final and inevitable event associated with cessation of bodily functions.

Adolescence: As the adolescent begins to gain more independence and starts looking toward the future, there is the realization that all future plans require time and death may come at any time to prevent these plans from reaching fruition. They realize that one grows up only to die.

Developmental Phases of Grief Resolution - These phases are the same for children and adults; they are not discrete phases and some overlap may occur; and the length and intensity of each phase is dictated by the seriousness of the loss.

Phase One: Characterized by shock and numbing followed by a reaction of alarm. The alarm is centered around questions of who is going to care for the child. Denial and disbelief may also be exhibited during this initial stage.

Phase Two: This time of acute grief is characterized by yearning, searching, disorganization, despair, and ultimately reorganization. This phase is also characterized by strong feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, and shame. Once the stage of intense feelings starts, it can take 6-12 weeks for the worst pain to subside and as much as two years before the grief process is completed.

Phase Three: This phase involves the integration of loss and grief where the child begins to reorganize daily activities. Less frequent and less intense crying is seen. The child is also able to verbalize an awareness of the loss.

What Can I Do as a Parent? - As a surviving parent there are several things which can be done to support the grieving child.

1. Explain the death in a clear and direct manner. If the remaining parent cannot do this, then the child should be informed by another adult who is close to the child.

2. The child should be told the dead person will never return and that the body will be buried in the ground or burned to ashes.

3. The remaining parent should not deny the child an opportunity to share in the expression of pain.

4. Adults should avoid using their children as confidants for their own comfort and understanding.

5. The single most important message to relay to the child is, "You are not alone; I am with you."

6. Touching and holding a child can do more than any words to relay a parent's message.

7. Children should be allowed to attend the funeral, if it is their wish.

8. Prior to the funeral someone should explain to children what is likely to take place, who will be there, and how people are likely to react.

9. The choice of whether to view or touch the deceased should be left up to the child.

10. It is important to establish continuity in the daily routines of children.

11. Changing to a new school or moving to a new neighborhood should be postponed.

12. If it is determined that a child is experiencing pathological grief, rather than normal grief reactions, counseling may be necessary in order to help facilitate the grieving process.

RESOURCES:

Grollman E. (Ed.) (1967). Explaining death to children. Boston: Beacon. Information on both death and dying is presented by several professionals. Each discusses death based upon his or her background perspective.

Grollman E. (1976). Talking about death: A dialogue between parent and child. Boston: Beacon. The narrator explains death to a child whose grandfather has died. This explanation is accompanied by a Parent's Guide which also lists agencies that may be of assistance.

Kopp, R. (1983). Where has Grandpa gone? Grand Rapids, MI: Zonderman. Discusses different aspects of death and grief including the function of funerals. Includes a special "read along" section for adults to read to children to help explain the meaning of death and ways to cope with the loss.

LaTour, K. (1983). IF& those who live: Helping children cope with the death of a brother or sister, Dallas, TX: Kathy LaTour. Designed to help with the readjustment by the family after the death of a child or sibling. Examines how surviving children react to the death of a sibling. Discusses problems that both parents and children are likely to encounter during the grieving process.

Manning, D. (1 984). Don't take my grief away: What to do when you lose a loved one. New York: Harper & Row. Written more from the perspective of the bereavement of a spouse when losing a husband or wife. Assists in understanding what happens when someone dies, dealing in a realistic yet healing way with the necessity of accepting the loss and facing the feelings of loss, separation, and even guilt that we experience.

* From Handouts (1990), edited by Alex Thomas. A publication of the National Association of School Psychologists.