NATIONAL ASSOCIATION 0F SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGISTS

Children and Perfectionism
Parent/Teacher Handout

By Virginia Smith Harvey,
Nashua, NH Public Schools

Background

Perfectionists try to protect themselves from embarrassment, criticism, anger, and the withdrawal of love or approval by controlling themselves and the reactions of others. Perfectionists tend to become highly anxious when they make mistakes, have a chronic fear of embarrassment or humiliation, and have self-esteem based upon perfect performance. They often have strong feelings of inadequacy and see themselves as failures due to their or adults' high expectations. This results in fear of making errors or wrong decisions, desire to avoid criticism, emotional guardedness, inclination to worry, cautiousness, need to know and follow rules, and tendency to work hard. While these traits can be positive, when excessive they become rigid and result in substantial pain.

Children who have perfectionistic tendencies can have difficulty functioning in the classroom because their expectations for themselves are so high that completing or even attempting school work is hindered. This can result in low self-esteem, chronic feelings of inadequacy, decreased performance, and increased tension and anxiety. Perfectionism has been linked to crippling performance anxiety (such as stage fright), psychosomatic disorders (such as headaches), depression, and suicidal behavior. It can emerge into an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder in adulthood.

This trait is common in gifted children and seems to result from a desire to be considered best in all situations. As a result, a gifted child may refuse to try activities rather than risk failing to achieve a superior level of performance, and consequently fall into a pattern of underachieving. Gifted children who attempt to be perfect in all aspects of their lives are also susceptible to burn-out. Perfectionism can also be seen in non-gifted children. It can be particularly problematic for a learning disabled student.

Unfortunately, perfectionism has the opposite of its intended effect. Rather than saving the person from criticism and gaining love and approval, perfectionism hinders both achievement and social relationships.

Development

Perfectionism appears to result from a combination of innate tendencies and environmental influences. Some individuals seem to be inclined toward perfectionism at a very young age, and these tendencies can be exacerbated by how adults respond to them.

Implications

Perfectionistic tendencies can be manifested in procrastination, thoroughness, various social difficulties, and overt perfectionism.

Procrastination: putting off tasks for fear of being unable to complete them perfectly, or not completing tasks because there is always "room for improvement." To help a child counteract severe procrastination, adults can choose from the following activities:

• encourage the child to change her goal from perfection to completion of tasks.
• help the child break down tasks into manageable parts.
• help the child develop realistic schedules.
• teach the child to concentrate on tasks for several short time periods.
• help the child prioritize and distinguish essential from non-essential details.

Thoroughness: difficulty differentiating the important from the unimportant, and excessive inclusion of detail in oral and written work. The tendency toward excessive physical clutter due to fear of discarding, potentially useful item can also be due to "thoroughness". Adults can help the child:

• set one or two goals at beginning of a project and maintain focus on these goals.
• work from outlines.
• reduce clutter by asking whether or how often items have actually been needed, or having two steps to discarding (such as putting potentially discardable items in a box to be reviewed and discarded after a period of time).
• help the child decide how much time to spend on a task and stick to a timetable.

Social difficulties: social inhibition due to fear of others seeing flaws, need to be correct at all times, inability to let others react emotionally, tendency to criticize others, avoidance of social and romantic encounters.

• encourage child to become more aware of lack of others' perfection: for example, if child inhibited in beginning to speak a foreign language have child take note of the lack of profi ciency of other students.
• take gradual steps in attending social situations and joining groups.
• model and encourage saying I don't know."
• model and encourage admitting errors without explaining self.
• ask the student to focus on a positive quality in the person he's criticizing.
• avoid comparing one child with another.

Perfectionism is the belief that all tasks must be done perfectly and that perfection is a reasonable and desirable goal. To help a child counteract excessive perfectionism, adults can choose from the following activities.

• encourage the child to prioritize and decide which activities deserve maximum energy and which activities are less important. Teach the child not to expect to perform equally well in all tasks.
• model and encourage savoring successes.
• model and encourage relaxation such as meditation, listening to soothing music, yoga, cooking, walking, or reading for pleasure.
• "fair pair": make sure that every time a child is criticized she is praised.
• set reasonable standards for yourself and for the child.
• praise for accomplishments that have nothing to do with achievement (cooperating, sharing, remembering, playing well together).
• model and encourage saying "no" to requests that would overextend resources.

Change evaluation and grading systems

• eliminate grades and personal comparisons.
• praise effort, not just product. For example, praise how hard a child worked on something rather than the grade achieved.
• refrain from over-praising: do not make what a child accomplishes more important than who they are as a person.
• mark the correct answers on papers.
• give permission both to yourself and the child to perform at an average level.
• reduce academic pressure. For example, the child may need to be discouraged from taking all top level classes.

Encourage a different way of thinking

redefine the word mistake:
Think of mistakes as proof of learning and growing instead of failure.
Think of mistakes as "spice"-good in moderation.